“What drives you?”

I came across this question while preparing for my interviews, a ubiquitous challenge almost everyone encounters. It got me thinking. Could it be the pursuit of knowledge, the aspiration to surpass my former self or the desire for a flourishing career? The answer was no. In fact, I don’t have an answer. These are impeccable qualities, and I’d like to have them. However, none of the established responses resonate with me as my true purpose.

It’s a depressing thought entrenched in my mind- an absolute lack of purpose. This has restricted me in a lot of things in my life. I have been roaming the planet and have not actually enjoyed living. I often feel good that I haven’t felt anxiety and panic in situations. Still, lately, I have realized that this carefree attitude is a byproduct of my purposelessness.

Purpose can be specific goals one wants to achieve or the ethos of seizing each day as if it were the last. It is neither in my case. It eludes me. Looking back at my past, I see certain moments for which I felt I had some purpose. I really enjoyed the time I was preparing for my CAT exams. I had a purpose. I enjoyed being part of the hockey team in my college. I had a purpose. However, the overarching question persists—what path do I wish to tread, and how do I envision shaping my destiny? A void echoes in response; I am bereft of purpose.

There can be a multitude of reasons for the cause. For a large chunk of time, I have been trying to find escapes from the troublesome life I have led. Perhaps the purpose then was a lifeline out of adversity. Yet, now that the storm is but a memory, comprehending the trajectory of my journey becomes an arduous task.

I currently have no solutions to the situation. Drifting with the currents of life has become my modus operandi; the agony of not knowing my purpose, however, is immense. Even explaining the problem takes a lot of work. Some individuals inherently possess a calling or a clear purpose, while others remain blissfully indifferent. Presently, all I can do is harbor a fragile hope- a hope for discovering something that will kindle anticipation in the recesses of my being.